night time always reminds me that this is going to take longer than i thought. ill try to be okay.

-q

response: its not me. i knew that. i couldnt be beautiful to you even if i tried. and i did try.

-q

i dreamt that i was with someone else last night. i was in a relationship and that scared me. if you moved on it would hurt but seem natural because maybe you already have, if i moved on i would feel as though i had broken my silent promise to wait for you. and in this way that dream of being loved became a nightmare because i wasnt being loved by you.

-q

sometimes i wonder whether i will ever believe that it is okay to be happy. all of the wrong i have done in my life makes it almost impossible for me to think i deserve happiness. i know how hurt can last and i always wonder if i am the hurt that lasted to someone. how could i go on when i made that mark? i will live every day loving you from afar until your heart heals and we may never speak again, we may never meet again but i will always remember you all. i never meant to hurt you. is it okay to be happy? please tell me it’s okay.

i will carry this guilt forever.

-q

its the first time in a while that ive cried and im crying over the fact that my iphone wiped some of my messages….

you never loved me, and so what was i? what did i mean to you? i don’t know. i’ll never know.

why did i think i was important to you? why did i let myself believe that?

-q

i never took the feelings i had for the girls near me seriously. until you, both of you confused me. C you made me feel something from the moment i saw you, i fell for you little by little each day. you called me pretty and i believed you. i really loved you C and i still do. i wanted to hold hands with you forever and ours would have been a gentle love. if that was what you wanted. yet i could never bring myself to speak any other words than “will we still be friends when im gone?” i wanted to be companions for life. i could see myself being with you 20 years from the present but you heard everything they said about me and the other girl in our maths class is really pretty and she knows more about video games and maybe i read that wrong but we moved apart. i started to become a constant. a full stop after every sentence. the comfort in the fact that every day you knew the sun would come up. but nothing special, and something that would never move to the front of your mind. you loved chocolote. V i didnt know what it was. somehow i wanted to be near you but i didnt know how to be. it wasnt as easy as with C because we werent in the same class. somehow we became friends and that meant everything to me. when we talked in the park it made me think that maybe i wasnt alone. that i had you. from then on i wanted to see you all the time. i started to pay attention to everything i saw you do and i fell in love with it all. i liked your room and i liked your voice and most importantly i liked you. i love you V but you cant know that in the same hasty way that i told C how i felt once i had gone. it couldnt be that way with you because i want to see you. what would it mean to you? i never really believed in my feelings or analysed them until i had to be away from you.

thank you for loving me in your own way. i wish i had the courage to love you in the way that i wanted to.

-q

how did you change from night to day? how did you comfort me and become the very thing i fear most at the same time? you were once my astronaut trying to find a heart and trying to find a home in yourself. now you are the sun and you are pretending to shine. if you go on like this you might explode and hurt a lot of people in the process. i knew you were a star but i underestimated you. without the moon you pierce my skin, and you make my eyes water. i cant look at you for too long. sometimes i cant even look at you at all. you carry a blistering heat yet you used to be a cold night.

but in reality, you were never any of these things. i built you up and im sorry for believing in you. i say i never expected anything from you and i must have really meant that because i never expected this. i never expected to lose my astronaut to the unknown. i never expected you to become alien to me.

-q

dear hayate,

i hear you. i dont talk as if i do. i only know how to talk about things that dont matter.

i know you hear me even when i dont speak.

i know its difficult right now, the road has no signs and there is no signal and you dont have a map or maybe you have a map but you havent decided where you want to go or you know that your legs might not be enough to get you to where you want to be. the place you are in holds you and whispers comfort.

but you are enough. your legs will carry you. your heart will guide you. your angels will find you. god will smile and even if you cry your tears are diamonds and are precious and i wish i could come with you.

i wish i could come with you. i wish i believed in myself as much as i believe in you. but i believe in you in place of myself.

im proud of you.

i love you, q

dear hayate,

im so lost. i dont have the words like you to describe how i feel but i can try. i can try my best with all of this cant i? i thought that was what i was doing but it seems that i am not trying hard enough because i am filled with him. i am filled with the memories of when he filled me. that might be too graphic but it is graphic in my mind. my heart, my feelings, my thoughts hayate these are real things and he was a real thing i dont understand how to reduce him to a mere instance. a blip. or am i supposed to accept him in his entirety? there is so much of him. i painted the walls of my head with him thinking he was my favourite colour. he reminds me of everything blue and everything beige and everything black and everything red and everything purple. i cant stand this hayate. i hate and hate and hating does nothing but make me hate myself. i would never ask you what i should do because that is too hard of a question.

i want to talk to him. no, i want him to talk to me. but as my parents said when i was younger: “i want, never gets.”

all my love, q

for her.

she walked past me in the hall way, and smiled, and smiled. your brown eyes forever stay in, my mind, my mind.

to be loved. to be loved by you. by you. to be loved. to be loved by you. by you.

i have pictures of our pale hands, intertwined, intertwined. you never hurt me, we grew apart, over time, over time.

but to be loved. to be loved by you. by you. to be loved. to be loved by you. by you.

its so hard cuz we look like close friends, my heart breaks and it will never mend. im a human who loves another human isnt that enough? arent i enough?

-q

what am i supposed to do if you wont hear me? why wont you hear me?

-q